mental health Sundays #1 - complex post traumatic stress disorder

“I didn't find out until I was 50 that my entire life I had CPTSD. Neglect, abuse & childhood trauma caused this. ⠀⠀
In the 5 years since my correct diagnosis, I have learned a lot about trauma & neglect. I have attempted suicide 3 times. I have healed enough now that I can have suicidal thoughts but not act on them again. I have adrenal insufficiency which started in adolescence from the fight, flight or freeze reaction associated with constantly being stressed as a young child. [I was] raised by a narcissistic teacher & her narcissistic husband.
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The biggest impact [for me] is the adrenal insufficiency that I will have for the rest of my life.
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I lost my husband of 9 years to suicide on 10/4/18. I also was freed from 9 years of physical & mental abuse. The night he killed himself he beat me & said he was going to kill me. Being in an abusive relationship has been a common theme because I didn’t feel lovable & to have anyone in my life was better than being alone. This was instilled in me by my parents’ neglect. Any attention, even negative, was (is) better than none.
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Being abused by the people that are supposed to love you creates a huge amount of fear & distrust. If trust is built, it doesn’t take much to destroy it because of the pathways in the brain that are wired for the fear & distrust. I am working to rewire this part of my brain, but it isn’t easy. It turned out that I didn’t know anything about my husband & that most of the stories he told me about his childhood happened to his brother & not him. ⠀⠀
To trust other people, I must believe that I can trust my own judgement. I am still working hard at this too every day and doubt myself on a regular basis. I have no friends because I don’t trust & I was kept from forming any friendships by my abusive husband.
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I have 56 years of abuse to heal from. I am grateful that I survived. I try to be positive, but I have been devastatingly lonely & afraid during the past few months with COVID19. Not only does my mental illness make this more difficult, I am a high-risk person because of my adrenal insufficiency & I have asthma.” - @em.metalsmith