mental health Sundays #14 - complex PTSD


“I live with complex trauma: C-PTSD, Suicidal thoughts, Manic depression, and Chronic illness. My trauma stems from childhood Incidents of sexual assault back from 5 years old on as well as Antisemitism I have faced from family and “friends” and severe bullying that led to attempted suicide and hospitalization at 12.

I live in an extremely conservative area and my we would receive Nazi propaganda and throughout my young years we had an active Nazi on local tv in town. I was constantly bullied for being “other” and was afraid to come out as gay because I was already bad for “being a Jew”.

I have been sexually assaulted 6 times by strangers and partners and live with hypersensitivity to noises, people, and random places. Many don’t understand my actions that stem from this deep seeded trauma like: I must know my exits at all times and must sit at the end of rows to be able “to escape”. I hyper focus on scenarios and have massive panic attacks and night terrors (has when I was young), I won’t walk alone at night, I am initially fearful of almost all men, but have also worked in industries that people would blame me for this happening to me (i.e. you were asking for it).

I always say sorry- ALWAYS. Even for breathing wrong. It’s honestly like I’m a prisoner to my past and to my mind. It is hell, and with chronic illness where I can’t digest food right , have multiple surgeries in 2 years and can get sick easily- this pandemic and isolation has made me feel like I’m non deserved of understanding because it’s “not that bad”.

People keep telling me I need to “get over it” but - it’s not that easy. None of it. And it hampers every relationship I have.” - @miss.bee.314